i’m limited.

Nostalgia= A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.

How quickly life changes. I got an invite (on Facebook, none the less…) for my 5 year high school reunion. Now, to clarify I’m certainly not going to fly home for it (sorry, Raiders of ‘03) but it got me thinking about who I was 5 years ago.

• 5 years ago I had just started college.
• 5 years ago I was living with Sara G.
• 5 years ago I had just met Jess, Amy, and Sarah, all 3 of who changed my life dramatically.
• 5 years ago I was just starting concert choir, which also changed my life.
• 5 years ago I thought that my friends in college would be my friends forever.
• 5 years ago I thought I’d never see my high school friends again.
• 5 years ago I thought I was going to be a clinical psychologist.
• 5 years ago I had never seen the ocean.
• 5 years ago I was 18.
• 5 years ago I thought that the only way I could have fun was to get rip-roaring drunk.
• 5 years ago I thought it was okay for boys to treat me like crap.
• 5 years ago I never wanted to graduate from college.
• 5 years ago I thought my parents were dumb and didn’t know anything about me or about college life.
• 5 years ago I only wanted to do things that made me cool to the people at school.
• 5 years ago I didn’t understand the concept of possibility.

You know, growing up is a funny thing. Even now, I feel like I’m straining so hard to be an adult, but there are so many circumstances that are holding me back. In fact, I probably thought I was more of an adult when I was 18 than I actually do now. Its like I’m stuck in this “no man’s land” between college and career and no one knows what to do with that, least of all me. Its like constantly trying to prove to “adults” that I’m old enough to be with adults, and still getting along with people in college because we connect on things too. I thought high school was awkward, but I think its even more awkward now.

The other thing I realized is that people that I was “close” to in college and I have nothing in common anymore. A handful of them are in grad school but most of them are in jobs and learning their career path. The only thing left is a common past…so when we talk its like “oh what are you doing now?” or “remember when this happened?” Its so bittersweet. I’m happy for their chosen paths and for my own, but its sad to know that we’ll never really be friends again, and what happened then doesn’t really matter in the least now.

So does that mean that the people that I’m growing close to now and I aren’t going to be friends when I’m finished with grad school? I mean, I thought that people in college and I were going to be friends forever, and clearly that isn’t happening. Is life just a series of people that stay for a few years and then carry on to the next big adventure? It makes me sad, that’s all….

“I know I’m who I am today because I knew you…”

no matter what i say or do

Recently (read: 11 months ago) I started going to a new church. I used to be Catholic (Note: Let me just say at the beginning, I do not now, nor have I ever felt there is anything wrong with being Catholic if it works for you…) and now I attend a non-denominational contemporary church called Crosspointe. I know I’ve talked about Crosspointe in previous posts, and thats great. I just sat down here in my friend’s house and closed my eyes and asked God to give me words to post here, and He whispered “tell this story.” So there ya go- who am I to argue with the Big Big G?

So anyway- I grew up in the Catholic Church, I was the little kid that didn’t understand that Catholic was a denomination of Christianity and really hurt my mom’s feelings one time when i told her she wasn’t going to heaven b/c she wasn’t a Christian (I meant Catholic- she’s Methodist.) I just didn’t get it. I still don’t get it, for that matter- but denominations are a different post. Anyway, I came here from a very conservative Midwest heartland area that does the Sunday morning “stand up, sit down, fight fight fight” routine very well. So, imagine that person going to a southern contemporary non-denom. church. Love it, right? I’m standing in the service thinking “Good sweet heaven, I will not be coming back here. These people are CRAZY! There is a ROCK BAND on stage. There are basketball hoops over my head…” Out of control. But then I went back the next week. And stood in the congregation. And said…”HELL NO. I’m never going back. its too different, and that can’t be good.” Then I went back the next week.

And now its 11 months later, nearly to the day. And i stopped saying no. and started saying yes.

I said yes to joining a small group. I said yes to singing with the teen band for christmas. I said yes to helping with the teen band. I said yes to co-leading a small group. I said yes to a mission trip to Haiti.

But. In return, I’ve gotten so much more than just those handful of things. I’ve gotten best friends, I’ve gotten a roommate, I’ve gotten advice, I’ve gotten calls and hugs and smiles and friends and music and laughs.

But even more. I’ve gotten a relationship with the Lord. I’ve gotten to make friends with the poor and homeless multiple times. I know their names, I know some of their stories. I’ve shared dinner with them. I’ve helped kids learn about God, or see firetrucks, or just play.  I’ve learned what surrender really is. I’ve learned trust. I’ve learned that its all going to be alright. I’ve learned to live I have to die to myself. I’ve learned that nothing is as hard as all of those things, but nothing is as easy as those things. I’ve learned that the better something is, the more Godly something is, the stronger i’m going  to have to fight to do it. The harder it will be to do it.

Is it worth it?

See.the.change.

 

[and let me know ]

 

“i still feel You here. You’re on to me, and all over me.”

be quiet now and rest…

As i’m sitting here eating another (nutritious) snack of sherbet and rice krispies (ps…krispies? really?) and snooping on other people’s blogs, it occurred to me that i could do that. i could write a blog. so i started one.

and then i realized that my life just doesn’t seem “blog-worthy.” (go ahead and coin that phrase- i dare you.)

so, naturally in my rather contradictory fashion, i decided to continue with this blog.

if you haven’t already dismissed this as a ridiculous venture by an even more ridiculous person, i commend your ability to instead dismiss your own better judgment.

moving on.

i will say that the last week has been an interesting mix of ups and downs. hearing about the Haiti donations was a completely awe-inspiring moment. I hope that i never ever forget how i felt at that exact moment, when that “4” came up on the screen. it isn’t often enough in our lives when we let ourselves be struck speechless and can do nothing but cry and rejoice at the wonder of God.

and then to hear the news of Jabez and the saddness on the tail of such exuberance. but, the amazing inspiration a small boy in Haiti could have on people a world away…and yet, not so very far away. what splendor must have met Jabez as he was greeted by our Father in heaven!

i’m going to end each post with a song line or verse or title that is sticking with me at the moment i’m writing the blog. if you caught “Live in Concert” a few weeks ago, you know that music takes our worship from ordinary to extraordinary by the simple addition of a melody. if nothing else, God is felt even more vividly through the song and dance that we give to Him as our small token of praise. So its only appropriate to add a little of my life soundtrack to this piece of me…

“i can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, and there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes…still I will praise You, still I will praise You…”

-a.