Bonjou!

So we’re leaving for Haiti soon…
as in like….11 days.

I feel so unprepared. Our leader has done a great job of walking us through as much as possible. I love my team, and have connected with all of them. We all have a great time together. I’m not worried or scared. I’m slightly nervous about what I’m going to experience, but not so much that i’m afraid.

I just feel unprepared. Although i’m not really sure what “prepared” looks like at this point, i just feel like….i haven’t really accepted that I’m going, and that this is actually happening to me. I think that one stumbling block is that “mission trips” are things that i’ve always heard of other people have done…good people, people who i admire and want to be like, who live holy lives, and really are very self-sacrificing and just exude the love of christ in their everyday life.  and I’m just not that. i think that’s a big reason that this is so hard for me to wrap my brain around. i’m not special or different or a super christian or anything that seems to be associated with someone who goes on a mission trip to a third-world country. i’m selfish, mean, moody, crabby, and spoiled. i mess things up a lot. most days i feel like i don’t have one single right answer. i would never choose myself to be on a mission trip. i’m positive that someone else would be a more appropriate choice to go on this trip.

…and i’m pretty sure that is what makes this so hard.

but. i heard a call. it was a long time ago but it resounded in my heart then. and even though that call has gotten covered by doubt, clouded with logistics and plans…i know it is still there. so even though i’m convinced that there is someone who could do this trip better than i will, i’m also convinced that there is a reason i’m going to Haiti in 11 days. it isn’t self-serving. I don’t want to be admired or looked up to. I don’t want people to think i’m that super-christian orsome sort of “special person” because i am going on a mission trip. I want to love and serve others and know that I am serving God,  and I am going where He leads. and i pray that i never think i’m “good enough” to do what He asks.

“I heard Your voice, I felt the call. You carry me through it all, and I believe You carry me all the way home…”