jump?! how high we talkin’….?

*randomness of the day- just started to eat some lunch and bit the tip off of the plastic fork i was using. what the hell?!*

anyway. a relatively new theme in my life is the idea of taking leaps. doing things that you really don’t want to do, are scared or nervous of doing but know you should or need to do.

granted, i’ve been a (very) slight leapster in the past, there is something about a continuous checking your motives when you’re holding back on decisions. most recently (as in, oh…yesterday) i decided to accept an invitation to present our paper at the APA conference in Toronto in August. For a little background, we submitted a paper to our field’s national conference and got rejected. We asked them to submit it automatically to the American Psychological Association’s national conference and it got accepted. I had to decide whether to take the opportunity, spend the money and go to Toronto to present on my own in August or not…. so it appears I’m going.

but in the middle of all of these leaps, i’ve realized things i didn’t think about before. the first is obviously that i need to take chances or i’ll miss opportunities for growth and change. but the second, and probably bigger of the two is that somehow having someone there when you’re making leaps makes it worth it a little more. even if they aren’t pushing you (although, it is helpful if they are) it is just a little easier to leap if you know that someone else is leaping with you, even in spirit  I think i’ve probably spent too much time in the past thinking that i had to do it all by myself and that somehow asking for help or advice meant that i wasn’t independent or that i couldn’t do it. but now i’m realizing that its different to ask for advice and still relying on yourself versus only relying on yourself and shutting other people out… thats a hard lesson for me to learn. i think about as far back as elementary school when i would have rather eaten dirt than ask for help. or in high school and then undergrad when i wouldn’t let people help me and just figured it out on my own, even if it took an extra few days or weeks or months. the most interesting thing about asking people for help is that i’ve realized its not even really about the task that i’m asking them to do. it makes other people feel good when you seek their help or their opinion. makes them feel wanted, needed, valued. so not only am I being stubborn by not asking, i’m denying them the opportunity to love on me.  boo!

i think more than anything the control freak in me wants everything to just stay the way it is. its like…i’ve got it figured out, don’t go changing things on me now. but what if the changes in store are better than what we’re content with now? is contentment better than growth? all i know is that nerves of steel would be a fantastic gift right now. i guess we’ll just deal

….but if anyone wants to go to Toronto in August, I’d be open to that!!

 

“larger than lifesize, we become great in the eyes of someone”

singing songs of joy and peace

We’ve officially hit that post-holiday letdown. you know. that point where excitement and anticipation for a break and the feelings of the holiday season have given way to the guilt that resumes when you remember you did nothing but eat and sleep over break instead of actually getting things done…right…

today i drank 2 cups of hot chocolate and a cup of coffee….for someone who rarely has a single caffeinated beverage the entire day, that’s out of control. I’ve got the shakes like you wouldn’t believe…not my most brilliant plan ever.

I will say that it is nice to be back in my apt. there is something about the moment when you find yourself in your home again after a long while and you’re alone….its like…you can breathe again. I was in ohio for 11 days (might I add that one of those days the wind chill was 28 degrees BELOW zero…ugh) and then kyle and I flew to Baltimore, stayed in DC a night with Sean and then they came back here for 5 days. and i love having visitors and being around people…but there is something about my time, my space, my life…its liberating.

speaking of liberating, i am beginning to realize just how liberated i have become. as a kid, you’re under complete control of your parents. even into your teenage years, they still pretty much make the decisions for you. in college, you get your first taste of liberation when you can go out at 11 pm  instead of coming in at that time, you can stay at friends, you can pull all-nighters, you can eat what you want, wear what you want, go where you want. for me there was still a bit of control in that i didn’t want to waste my money or get kicked out of choir or lose my job or anything. but the small things were enough. but now? there is nothing as liberating as having your own place, having your own stuff. Its pretty cool (ok, and slightly scary) to be able to pick out your own apartment, move, pay your own bills, buy your own food, cook, drive, go to where you want….everything. some people think those responsibilities are frightening….but i think if you frame them as liberation and not responsibilities, it makes it so much more fun.

ya know, when i was a teenage, i never thought about where i wanted to be, what i wanted to do. I went to the college i went to because my older best friend already went there and we wanted to live together. she quit after my first semester. i stayed. laundry list of accomplishments- i was in my choir for 4 years, president my senior year. newman club 2 years, president my senior year. sorority. treasurer my senior year. i’m glad i did it all, but i’m not really sure why i did it. my sophomore year we went on tour to NC. sure, i thought it was pretty, but i wanted to come here because my best friend wanted to live here and we thought it would be an adventure (nope, didn’t learn from the first time….) so anyway, i applied to a program that was semi-interesting to me, even though i didn’t really know what it was (which i have since found to be a common theme in I/O folk….but whatever). So anyway, I got in. and moved. she stayed. and all my life has been a series of decisions based on what other people were doing.

know what though? i am right where i am supposed to be. somehow, God put those people in my life and gave me those decisions to show me His path for my life. so maybe its time to stop thinking that i’m here because i’ve followed other ppl’s dreams. maybe other people were just too scared to follow theirs….

“and no one else has ever showed me how to see the world the way i see it now…”

New year, you near :)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Went to the outer banks!
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Never make them
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My cousins did, but we’re not that close
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.
5. What countries did you visit? None
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A Masters? ha
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 17- baptism!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? The internship program @ SH
9. What was your biggest failure? Not being proactive about my thesis
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No. Although I had a nasty flu the day we moved… 
11. What was the best thing you bought? Sharpies
14. Where did most of your money go? Rent. Shopping….
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Moving in with Johnna
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Any Day Now, Missy Higgins
Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter? The same.
18. Richer or poorer? Richer.. in lots of ways
19. What do you wish you’d done more of? Thesising
20. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending money and procrastinating
21. How will you be spending Christmas? Already had it with the fam in ohio
22. Did you fall in love in 2008? Sure!
24. What was your favorite TV program? Brothers and Sisters, The Office, or Iron Chef America.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No.
26. What was the best book you read? I read toooo many!!
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Missy Higgins. oh, and singing with worship band
28. What did you want and get? To co-lead the 11th grade girls
29. What did you want and not get? SIOP acceptance
30. What was your favorite film of this year? meh.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Umm.. I went to the bar and turned 22.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More beach time.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Much cuteness
34. What kept you sane? Singing
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? The same answer I’d always give- Brett Favre
36. What political issue stirred you the most? meh.
37. Who did you miss? Depends on where i was. Ohio friends when in NC, NC friends when in Ohio.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Um, duh. Clearly Jen.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Wild horses, I want to be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I’ll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I’m longing too
Want to run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses…

Happy new year!