i’m sad.

so i know i write about changes a lot, but I guess that is because i’m at this point in my life where a lot has changed really really quickly. so here’s the deal. My mom wants to get rid of my piano. Ok, so I totally moved 600 miles away, I don’t really have a place for my piano here, nor is it worth the money to move it (I mean, we spent like $50 on it 15 years ago…) and I couldn’t afford to move it anyway. But.. i’m sad! And sometimes I feel like a brat for being sad about it, but I am really disappointed. The problem is I’m not sure why…I mean, I’m a totally rational person, honestly. But something about the idea that my mom would get rid of the piano I learned to play on, the one piano in the whole world that just feels so right to my fingers, the one I poured myself into, the one i hated so much i wished I could burn it to the ground, the place I cried many tears, shared broken hearts, pounded on, played softly, learned new music, sang so loud…I don’t know. I really am very sad about it. It is like losing a dear friend, something that has seen me from second grade to graduate school. Many many many friends have found their way in and out of my life, but there is something about going home and playing on my piano, knowing that the B flat key right below middle C sticks so I’ve learned to compensate, or that even though it is out of tune, it is still in tune with itself. The clear pure sound it makes. The hours i spent just playing without music, in the dark and just letting my fingers go. Something about the songs, the feelings, the heartache, the love that those strings hold is just so…mine. No one else in my family ever learned to play and so in a house where I shared everything, that piano was mine. i’m just sad, thats all.

want to give me a christmas present? Could you adopt my piano and let me play it sometimes? Its crappy, but it is well-loved…

 

“if music be the food of love, play on..”

busy signal.

you know, sometimes I just feel like things are going great, i’m happy, calm, confident, a little crazy (in a good way, though) and basically having a good time. but man, other times, it seems like i’m still going, but it is like wading through the mud. like every time i have to do anything, it is difficult. that i keep getting the stupid busy signal, and i can’t make it stop.

i don’t know where you are in your life, but somehow i feel like everyone’s life goes nutty at once. at work the other day, 3 of the 4 of us that sit in our little area were bouncing off the (non-existent) walls. we were absolutely…obnoxious. but its because our lives are turned on their ends….how does that happen?!

i can’t wait until this semester is over. i can’t wait until i can get past page 5 on my thesis. i can’t wait until i get a month off. i can’t wait until everything balances out again. i can’t wait to breathe again.

“The stones are thrown
It’s all laid bare
My nonstick mind
Was hardly there

So you are my precious lie
I sold you out for one last high

You were so in love
I was so inspired

It’s so cold out
We are the righteous
Come and stay, you are my love”

not easy.

 

<3

-nerves-

my entire life i’ve had to pretend that nothing made me nervous. ever. period.

all of the women in my family (mom, sister, grandma, aunts) suffer or have suffered from anxiety issues. literally worrying themselves sick. so I, being the one who didn’t have any anxiety issues, continually found myself acting as though I was completely confident, completed collected, completely calm. all of which was completely untrue, but helped me through many many intimidating events in my life. all ohio youth choir? i’m in. singing at the races @ 16? sign me up. going to college somewhere i can’t afford? why not. move to North Carolina? big deal.

only, the fact of the matter is I have had OUTRAGEOUS nerves for all of these things. only i’ve never been able to tell anyone that i’m nervous because my whole life I’ve professed “i don’t get nervous!” So now, when I’ve been a bundle of nerves for the last few weeks for various reasons, I can’t tell anyone because “i don’t get nervous!”

GAHHHH!!! i’m not sure that “fake it ’til you make it” is always the best option…..

“i am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves…”

perspective.

i can’t tell you how often i feel like i need to change my perspective on things. probably just about every day. but isn’t it funny how the seemingly tiniest details in one day can radically change the course of your day, your week, your month, your year, or even your life?

i find perspective-changers in the most random places, too. like a spontaneous dance party breaking out in the car on the way home from a shopping trip. like the wise words from a young friend through a facebook message. a 3-word phrase from an old song on the radio. a single line from a chapter in a trashy novel. the smile a little kid gives as they run past me in the store. a myspace add from an old friend. a day full of wind and rain.

it isn’t often that i allow myself to be serious. too many jumbled thoughts roll when i’m still, too many things i try to leave unsaid or even un-thought. but each time the focus shifts again, i become more aware of the dynamic life we lead. everything i do in my life slightly changes the perspective of someone else. maybe not at the moment of my doing it, but eventually my course of action changes someone else’s course. that’s a whole crapload of weight to bear.

i just want it to mean something. but how does that even begin to happen?

 

“but that doesn’t soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in…”

Help!!

Hey guys-

Do me a quick favor…The school where I work is entered in this contest to win $25000 worth of technology equipment but we only get it IF our video wins. But to win, we need your vote by NOON TOMORROW (Friday, November 14)… so head out to the link below, register, and vote for our video! we’d appreciate it

http://eimakeover.shycast.com/contestant/456/