i’m limited.

Nostalgia= A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.

How quickly life changes. I got an invite (on Facebook, none the less…) for my 5 year high school reunion. Now, to clarify I’m certainly not going to fly home for it (sorry, Raiders of ‘03) but it got me thinking about who I was 5 years ago.

• 5 years ago I had just started college.
• 5 years ago I was living with Sara G.
• 5 years ago I had just met Jess, Amy, and Sarah, all 3 of who changed my life dramatically.
• 5 years ago I was just starting concert choir, which also changed my life.
• 5 years ago I thought that my friends in college would be my friends forever.
• 5 years ago I thought I’d never see my high school friends again.
• 5 years ago I thought I was going to be a clinical psychologist.
• 5 years ago I had never seen the ocean.
• 5 years ago I was 18.
• 5 years ago I thought that the only way I could have fun was to get rip-roaring drunk.
• 5 years ago I thought it was okay for boys to treat me like crap.
• 5 years ago I never wanted to graduate from college.
• 5 years ago I thought my parents were dumb and didn’t know anything about me or about college life.
• 5 years ago I only wanted to do things that made me cool to the people at school.
• 5 years ago I didn’t understand the concept of possibility.

You know, growing up is a funny thing. Even now, I feel like I’m straining so hard to be an adult, but there are so many circumstances that are holding me back. In fact, I probably thought I was more of an adult when I was 18 than I actually do now. Its like I’m stuck in this “no man’s land” between college and career and no one knows what to do with that, least of all me. Its like constantly trying to prove to “adults” that I’m old enough to be with adults, and still getting along with people in college because we connect on things too. I thought high school was awkward, but I think its even more awkward now.

The other thing I realized is that people that I was “close” to in college and I have nothing in common anymore. A handful of them are in grad school but most of them are in jobs and learning their career path. The only thing left is a common past…so when we talk its like “oh what are you doing now?” or “remember when this happened?” Its so bittersweet. I’m happy for their chosen paths and for my own, but its sad to know that we’ll never really be friends again, and what happened then doesn’t really matter in the least now.

So does that mean that the people that I’m growing close to now and I aren’t going to be friends when I’m finished with grad school? I mean, I thought that people in college and I were going to be friends forever, and clearly that isn’t happening. Is life just a series of people that stay for a few years and then carry on to the next big adventure? It makes me sad, that’s all….

“I know I’m who I am today because I knew you…”

jealous!

so today I was at church, and our worship pastor was like “hey! wanna learn a new song?” come to find out later that it was a song the teaching pastor and the worship pastor had teamed up to write.

I wish I could write music- i certainly don’t begrudge anyone who can write music, but I’m so jealous of that talent!! can you imagine hearing 2000 people singing a song that you wrote, seeing them dance around and smile and feel the music and connect to the words? I can’t imagine. well, i can….but I can’t.

i guess its probably a little bit like having a kid. you have a kid and deep down (or not so deep down) you want them to be attractive, smart, talented, funny, outgoing…in a word perfect. You want people to like them, to love them, to connect with them…just like when you put a song out there you want people to like it, love it, connect with it. Something you can be proud of.

Ok, so maybe not exactly the same…but whatever.

I wonder how differently my life would have turned out if I would have grown up in a church like Crosspointe. Clearly, I probably wouldn’t be here now, which is where I know i’m supposed to be– but would my path look different? I always thought about being a pastor (which wouldn’t have happened in the Catholic church, obviously) or about being a musician. Its just strange to think about how my life would have looked if I would have gone somewhere else, done something else…been someone else. Clearly, not my path, but interesting nevertheless.

So Lifegroup starts tomorrow. i got a little sneak preview tonight at Whats the pointe, which made me even more excited to start. I met one of the women that is going to be a part of the group and she is so nice! She’s got a great story, and it reminds me that i’m so blessed that these 12 people are going to share their lives with me…what a responsibility!!! I can’t wait to see the collection of people God is about ready to bring into my life.

I feel very much like blogging tonight, but i’m all over the place. The other thing i’ve been thinking about is how I’ve only been here a year. Ask me 2 weeks ago, I was like wow, i’ve been here a whole year. today, i’m like wow, i’ve only been here a year! I think about the life change i’ve encountered, the hundreds of people i’ve met, the people who know me, the things i’ve seen, the things i’ve done….its INSANE. Clearly, God’s foresight is much, much MUCH better than mine, because I couldn’t have predicted this!

“over everything Lord, You reign with power and justice divine…”

Mistakes are sometimes the best memories

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one” -Elbert Hubbard

For too many years I’ve been so afraid to make a mistake. To do poorly in class, to misjudge the character of others, to trust other people when I shouldn’t, to say or do or look or feel “wrong.”

But whats “wrong?” Who decides what is “wrong” or “right?” Sure, there are many objective aspects of life where things are clearly right or wrong, where there is a right and a wrong way to do something. But how did we figure out the inherently right or wrong, good or bad of something? Someone, somewhere, somehow made a mistake.

Lets think about all the things that happened because of a mistake- Post-it notes created by a mistake, western union said the telephone was a useless silly device that would never be used, the chairman of IBM said that there would only be use for 5 computers total worldwide, Bill Gates said 640K would be enough for everyone, coca-cola and chocolate chip cookies were both created by mistakes, tires, silly putty, penicillin, …the list goes on.

So why on earth am i putting such great pressure on myself to be perfect? What is perfection? Maybe in my course of trying to be the best at everything I’m missing out on an opportunity to make an important mistake. So I think my goal from here on out is to learn what I can, ask questions and jump in. Could it be possible grad school isn’t about what you learn but what you screw up?

“So I guess this is the ending or a beautiful mistake.”

this one stuck…

“love of God become my calling.”

“I’ll take care of it”

What do you do when you feel like something is out of your control? I’m completely open about my status as a control freak, but just because I’m open about that doesn’t mean I like it or I’m proud of the fact that I have to be in control of things.

But what do you do when there are things in your life that are completely out of your control? I think that school has trained me to be a control freak to a certain extent. I’m in control of my grades, whether and when I do my thesis, what my topic is, if i do my homework, etc. It all falls back on me.

A subset of that is not knowing. I want to know. I want to know what is going to happen, I want to know why and when and how. Part of that is controlling in that I want to be able to prepare for stuff, and part of it is impatience…I hate surprises!!

I guess it all comes back to trust in my Lord…He knows whats up, He knows whats going to happen and i have to trust that everything i have and everything I do is from God…and lets face it– that can be super frustrating to a control freak like me.

So many questions unanswered in my life…Pray for my peace with not knowing!!

“We’re all Your’s God, Your’s God, everything is Yours…”

whelmed…

and by whelmed, i mean “overwhelmed.”

There is so much going on these days, I can’t believe that I’ll actually get it all finished. How’s the rest of the world doing these days? I feel like everyone (or at least a lot of people i know) have been having a terrible last 3 or 4 weeks. What is going on?!?

I flew to ohio and back this weekend, and on the flight back God and I had a long chat. After many doubts, tears, questions, fears, and even a little laughter we got it back on track. Many issues came up that I didn’t even know were weighing on my heart, and i realized that i needed to take action. Alas, action has been taken and i feel like we’re on the right track again.

In other news, I have a sore throat and am feeling sick. no rest for the weary, though. I’ve got lots o’work to finish by 6 pm friday. But i did submit my first poster for a professional conference today

more from me in the near future-

“Don’t get so busy that you miss giving just a little kiss to the ones you love “