no matter what i say or do

Recently (read: 11 months ago) I started going to a new church. I used to be Catholic (Note: Let me just say at the beginning, I do not now, nor have I ever felt there is anything wrong with being Catholic if it works for you…) and now I attend a non-denominational contemporary church called Crosspointe. I know I’ve talked about Crosspointe in previous posts, and thats great. I just sat down here in my friend’s house and closed my eyes and asked God to give me words to post here, and He whispered “tell this story.” So there ya go- who am I to argue with the Big Big G?

So anyway- I grew up in the Catholic Church, I was the little kid that didn’t understand that Catholic was a denomination of Christianity and really hurt my mom’s feelings one time when i told her she wasn’t going to heaven b/c she wasn’t a Christian (I meant Catholic- she’s Methodist.) I just didn’t get it. I still don’t get it, for that matter- but denominations are a different post. Anyway, I came here from a very conservative Midwest heartland area that does the Sunday morning “stand up, sit down, fight fight fight” routine very well. So, imagine that person going to a southern contemporary non-denom. church. Love it, right? I’m standing in the service thinking “Good sweet heaven, I will not be coming back here. These people are CRAZY! There is a ROCK BAND on stage. There are basketball hoops over my head…” Out of control. But then I went back the next week. And stood in the congregation. And said…”HELL NO. I’m never going back. its too different, and that can’t be good.” Then I went back the next week.

And now its 11 months later, nearly to the day. And i stopped saying no. and started saying yes.

I said yes to joining a small group. I said yes to singing with the teen band for christmas. I said yes to helping with the teen band. I said yes to co-leading a small group. I said yes to a mission trip to Haiti.

But. In return, I’ve gotten so much more than just those handful of things. I’ve gotten best friends, I’ve gotten a roommate, I’ve gotten advice, I’ve gotten calls and hugs and smiles and friends and music and laughs.

But even more. I’ve gotten a relationship with the Lord. I’ve gotten to make friends with the poor and homeless multiple times. I know their names, I know some of their stories. I’ve shared dinner with them. I’ve helped kids learn about God, or see firetrucks, or just play.  I’ve learned what surrender really is. I’ve learned trust. I’ve learned that its all going to be alright. I’ve learned to live I have to die to myself. I’ve learned that nothing is as hard as all of those things, but nothing is as easy as those things. I’ve learned that the better something is, the more Godly something is, the stronger i’m going  to have to fight to do it. The harder it will be to do it.

Is it worth it?

See.the.change.

 

[and let me know ]

 

“i still feel You here. You’re on to me, and all over me.”

sand makes me pensive…

just think about this-

how long do you think i’d have to keep sand in my buttcrack before it turned into a pearl?

——-

anyway, i’m really excited b/c i booked my ticket to go to OH in a few weeks. i never thought i’d say that, but ya know…i’m getting old…

i really feel like i’ve come to a point in my life where i know who i am. i’m a compulsive liar. in fact, maybe i’m lying about being a liar.   …   i’m also super passive agressive, which is horrid. its so sad when someone points that out to you, and you can think back on all the relationships you’ve ever had with anyone, and see the passive agressiveness play out. awful. 

but its okay. i may be a lying sack of passive agressive crap, but i’m fun.

know what else i learned? i can’t control everything. in fact, i can’t control hardly anything, so i’m going to try to stop trying. (let that one blow your mind for a second…) i want the best for everyone [within reason] but i can’t do it for them. plus, i have no nail polish on either of my big toes at the moment because the ocean wore the polish off, so…really…it is all a loss.

oh yeah, my car got towed today, too. that sucks. but…when all else has failed- go to the beach. a little sand in your suit puts it all in perspective

 

“in the arms of your mercy i find rest, you know just how far the east is from the west– from one scarred hand to the other”

Acheive excellence

yesterday at work we had a brown bag presentation (basically, everyone brings their lunch and listens to a presentation…whatever.) one point this particular presenter harped on the entire time was “acheive excellence. whatever you do, wherever you do it…be excellent.”

its like in church when steve shows the verse about wisdom “Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding” -Proverbs 4:7 (look it up! it’s good!)

But seriously. How? When someone says “go out and excell; get wisdom” how does one go about that? clearly i’m not going to walk into the local fast-food chain and ask for excellence with a large side of wisdom. i can’t grab a shovel, go to the front yard and dig up some greatness buried in a casket of understanding.

in a world where we are so accustomed to just “getting” what we need, usually for a minimal fee we’re willing to fork over, being told to get something so intangible is downright frustrating.

plus, how do we know when we’ve gotten wisdom? when excellence is acheived? i can think of no one who has stopped mid-stride and said “well there ya go. i’ve got wisdom now. i’ve acheived excellence. catch ya later!”

so maybe that is the point- we’re striving for excellence and wisdom and all of these other abstract ideas knowing in the back of our brain that we’ll never acheive them. for a perfectionist like myself, that is the utmost of frustration. but, like most crazy people, i’ll stubbornly plug along just in case i stub my toe on the can of wisdom hiding in my pantry.

 

“turn up the music, turn it up loud. take a few chances, let it all out. cause you won’t regret it, lookin back from where you have been…cause it’s not who you knew and it’s not what you did…it’s how you lived”

ya gotta have courage

why does it seem like the times you know you need to speak up are the times it is the hardest to do it? when you know that there is no other way to go but to tell somone, and yet…there is that resignation and reluctance to do so.

for me, its like going to the doctor. i HATE going to the doctor. I don’t know why…just don’t like it. i’d go to the dentist every day, but the Dr….no thanks, i’m good. it has gotten to the point that i can’t swallow a single sip of water, but i convince myself that my strep throat will magically disappear if i wait just 2 more hours.

but finally, most likely after being pushed in that general direction, we take the step…we schedule the appointment, we speak up and do something.

is it better that way? some say yeah, of course its better. why wouldn’t it be better? do you want to live with strep throat for the next month, or do you want to get better in 3 days or so?

i’m tempted to say no. its like an abusive relationship- women in particular are known to make excuses, but it boils down to the fear of the unknown. ‘i may be in an abusive situation but at least i know what to expect.’

well. i spoke up today. pray the unknown isn’t worse than the known.

 

“I will fear no evil for my God is with me, and if my God is with me whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?”

be quiet now and rest…

As i’m sitting here eating another (nutritious) snack of sherbet and rice krispies (ps…krispies? really?) and snooping on other people’s blogs, it occurred to me that i could do that. i could write a blog. so i started one.

and then i realized that my life just doesn’t seem “blog-worthy.” (go ahead and coin that phrase- i dare you.)

so, naturally in my rather contradictory fashion, i decided to continue with this blog.

if you haven’t already dismissed this as a ridiculous venture by an even more ridiculous person, i commend your ability to instead dismiss your own better judgment.

moving on.

i will say that the last week has been an interesting mix of ups and downs. hearing about the Haiti donations was a completely awe-inspiring moment. I hope that i never ever forget how i felt at that exact moment, when that “4” came up on the screen. it isn’t often enough in our lives when we let ourselves be struck speechless and can do nothing but cry and rejoice at the wonder of God.

and then to hear the news of Jabez and the saddness on the tail of such exuberance. but, the amazing inspiration a small boy in Haiti could have on people a world away…and yet, not so very far away. what splendor must have met Jabez as he was greeted by our Father in heaven!

i’m going to end each post with a song line or verse or title that is sticking with me at the moment i’m writing the blog. if you caught “Live in Concert” a few weeks ago, you know that music takes our worship from ordinary to extraordinary by the simple addition of a melody. if nothing else, God is felt even more vividly through the song and dance that we give to Him as our small token of praise. So its only appropriate to add a little of my life soundtrack to this piece of me…

“i can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, and there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes…still I will praise You, still I will praise You…”

-a.