see.the.change

Breathe.

Life is crazy. I’m on hiatus from blogging. Maybe I’ll be back soon…

<3

What a whirlwind!!

The readjustment back to home after Haiti was interesting, to say the least. It took a good couple of weeks to really feel like I had my feet back on solid ground. I’m still craving that Haitian food like MAD but I definitely feel much more in the swing of life here. This has been a month of mission trips, to say the least! I feel like I just got home from Haiti and now I’m chaperoning a group of high school students in a week trip to NYC. Should be a good time, but I feel like its going to be a lot different in many ways than Haiti-

Obviously, we’ll be in the US. This is comforting but also intimidating. Its nice to know that we have access to things like hospitals and don’t have to worry about the foreign country aspect of things. However, I think in a lot of ways that makes this trip harder. Serving the marginalized heresits a lot differently in my heart. In a way, since Haiti is a third-world country, you expect to see poverty. You expect to see injustice. You’re taught to accept and love and not to judge. In many ways, that’s easier to swallow because you’re so out of your element in Haiti. But doing the same here in our own country feels a lot different. There is a sense that this “isn’t the way things are in America.” Clearly, it shouldn’t be like that anywhere, but somehow the poverty in our own country is a lot harder to accept and remain non-judgmental about.

Secondly, I’m going as a chaperone. The group of high school students I’m going with are great and they’ll do an amazing job. But its a lot different to go as a person who is not only responsible for myself, but for 10 other people. I’m excited to see the way that these students grow and change on the trip. In fact, in my journal last night, I wrote “I’m actually more excited right now to come home. I can’t wait to see the comparison of the 10 people we are taking on this trip to the 10 people they will be when they come home. I imagine there will be a marked difference in the conversations of these students from when we leave, talking about friends and school and summer, etc. and being so connected, to a week later after no phone/Internet/contact from home and the new experiences their eyes have seen. the conversations will turn to the people we’ve touched and the moods more reflective. what an amazing change to see in these students’ hearts. I pray for their experiences and their hearts.”

It will also be interesting to see NYC in a completely different light. We’re taking 1 day to do “touristy” things, but other than that, we’re staying in Brooklyn, we’re going to soup kitchens and shelters and geriatric centers…not the pretty stuff, but the real stuff. What an opportunity to step outside ourselves and see that part of NY!

As always, I ask for your continued prayers throughout our trip. We leave tomorrow morning, and get back next Saturday afternoon. Specifically, I ask for prayers for the students’ and leaders’ hearts, for the people whose lives we’re going to become a part of, for safety and good health, for our families and friends at home who will obviously miss us, and most of all, that we can continue to be the hands and feet of God and go where He is leading us.

“lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, give us faith so we’ll be safe…”

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your help and support on our trip to Haiti! In case you missed it, you can go back and read the blog posts from our trip here: http://hchtripmay2009.blogspot.com/
Each team member took a chance to blog about a certain event that happened during the trip and share a part of their experience.
 
I personally had an amazing time, as I believe all the people on the trip did. It is such a humbling experience to go to a third-world country and see the beauty of the country in terms of the landscape, but also see the extreme poverty and appalling living conditions. It was an amazing and heartbreaking experience.
 
While we were there, our main task was fixing up a lower level of a house that is home to 5 boys who are in a scholarship program to go to school. These boys are mostly from the mountains surrounding Jacmel, and wouldn’t be able to afford to pay for their high school education. Through the work of the Haitian Children’s home, these boys are given food, shelter and education, providing they maintain their grades. Our project was to scrape the peeling paint in their rooms and repaint the 6 rooms in their level of the house (storage room, 2 bedrooms, bathroom, dining room and kitchen). The boys had been having respiratory problems and we found out there was mold under the paint which was most likely causing their issues. We scraped, bleached and repainted the rooms and even got some decorations for the walls. The boys were so grateful to us for redoing their rooms, and were great about hanging out with us, teaching us some of their language and telling us about themselves.
 
We also got a chance to help with our friends, the Mangine’s, home. We organized and put away the kids’ clothes and toys, sorted and unpacked bins, and put up some shelves. It was nice to be able to help them get a little more settled, because its obviously no fun to live out of bins for anyone, let alone with all the adjustments they’re going to in their move to Haiti!!
 
Obviously, a great part of our trip was getting to connect with the HCH kids. My favorite night was when we went over to the house and had dinner and a dance party with the kids. It was so fun to run around and dance and laugh and sing with them. They’re so sweet and funny, its hard to remember sometimes the lives they were living before they came to live with Danny and Leann at the home.
 
I’ve posted a couple pictures of my trip. Obviously I can’t include them all, considering I have 500+….but I’ve posted some of my favorites. As we’ve gotten back here in the states, I ask that you continue to pray for my team. Almost all of us have had some stomach issues, readjusting to American food and water. Many of us have had respiratory issues as well, most likely from breathing in a lot of mold, dust, and paint fumes. Its also difficult to come back here, feeling like we did good work but knowing there was so much more we could have and want to do. It is hard to adjust to the relative quiet, the overwhelming amount of cars on the road, the amount of people in the grocery store, and the monotony of work.
 
Thank you again for all of your support- it was an amazing experience and I’m so thankful for the chance to have gone!

So we’re leaving for Haiti soon…
as in like….11 days.

I feel so unprepared. Our leader has done a great job of walking us through as much as possible. I love my team, and have connected with all of them. We all have a great time together. I’m not worried or scared. I’m slightly nervous about what I’m going to experience, but not so much that i’m afraid.

I just feel unprepared. Although i’m not really sure what “prepared” looks like at this point, i just feel like….i haven’t really accepted that I’m going, and that this is actually happening to me. I think that one stumbling block is that “mission trips” are things that i’ve always heard of other people have done…good people, people who i admire and want to be like, who live holy lives, and really are very self-sacrificing and just exude the love of christ in their everyday life.  and I’m just not that. i think that’s a big reason that this is so hard for me to wrap my brain around. i’m not special or different or a super christian or anything that seems to be associated with someone who goes on a mission trip to a third-world country. i’m selfish, mean, moody, crabby, and spoiled. i mess things up a lot. most days i feel like i don’t have one single right answer. i would never choose myself to be on a mission trip. i’m positive that someone else would be a more appropriate choice to go on this trip.

…and i’m pretty sure that is what makes this so hard.

but. i heard a call. it was a long time ago but it resounded in my heart then. and even though that call has gotten covered by doubt, clouded with logistics and plans…i know it is still there. so even though i’m convinced that there is someone who could do this trip better than i will, i’m also convinced that there is a reason i’m going to Haiti in 11 days. it isn’t self-serving. I don’t want to be admired or looked up to. I don’t want people to think i’m that super-christian orsome sort of “special person” because i am going on a mission trip. I want to love and serve others and know that I am serving God,  and I am going where He leads. and i pray that i never think i’m “good enough” to do what He asks.

“I heard Your voice, I felt the call. You carry me through it all, and I believe You carry me all the way home…”

So as the semester draws to a close, I’m tempted to start “checking out” before I’m done. (ok…so maybe I have checked out a little bit…but whatever..) Anyway, i’m eagerly looking ahead to summer and all the things that means! yayy!! here’s what we’ve got-

1. The most quickly approaching is Haiti in 2 weeks! I realized today I’m going to Haiti in 2 weeks. Haiti. 2 weeks. I don’t even know what that means….like I get it in my head, intellectually. but i’m pretty sure i don’t “get” that. I’m thinking that i’ll be back home for awhile before i even truly know what that means.
2. No class!! This semester has been crazy, and next semester promises to be even worse! But at least for the summer I don’t have to worry about homework! Just my thesis, which is a good chunk of work in itself. But no class!!
3. Only 20 hours of work a week (maybe!) I am looking for a job, and may have to work extra over the summer, but as of right now, 20 hours a week looks like a pretty nice break!
4. A week in NYC with some great high school friends! They’re going to be so fun
5. Toronto in August for APA My first “first author” poster presentation!! Yay!!
6. Time by the pool, reading for fun, chatting with friends, and getting a chance to relax and enjoy life!

Bring on the sunshine!

So I’ve been thinking about types of strength recently. I’ve come up with 2 kinds of people…

The first kind of people are those with brute strength. power and force. these are the kind of people who have cajones and they’re going to use them. show them a challenge or a test of will, and they’ll bust right through it, head on and without a second thought. even in the meekest and most timid part of their soul, they somehow find a way to keep going, to get what they want no matter what the price and sacrifice. they tell you how it is, even when they’re not sure. they “fake it till they make it” and when they do make it, they keep going because its still not enough. all the strength doesn’t mean they’re not afraid- it just means they face it or push it aside because they have bigger and better things to get to. they’re the people others come to when then need encouragement and are amazing at lighting fires under people to motivate their decisions.

The second kind of people are the people full of quiet strength. these are the people who never seem to take a leap or push and shove their way through a problem. they are solid, stable…they rarely make decisions on the fly, but carefully consider the ramifications of their actions and draw on their inner reserves to get through tough times. they’re the kind of people others are drawn to, that inexplicably lend comfort and a shoulder to cry on when life gets hard. they don’t get shaken too often, and don’t mind being a pillar for others to lean on. they tend to be underestimated and considered timid and weak because they don’t explicitly show their strength. usually that doesn’t bother the quietly strong, because in times of trouble they know their strength will be valued and relied upon.

i think most of us have a little bit of both of these kinds of strength inside. i used to lean more towards brute force, no fear, balls to the wall. in fact, there are still people in my life who think i’m still like that. i had no fear- it was all or nothing and i was getting it all. but as i’ve grown up, i’ve realized that was never me in the first place. i play a good game, but i don’t have it in me to be a force to be reckoned with. i’m jealous of the people who do, but more and more often i find myself being that pillar of quiet strength. and it is frustrating sometimes because i am often underestimated. i can handle a lot more than i’m often given credit for, and take a lot to break. i take a long time to make decisions and i probably will never move quickly in my life. but i will always be solid ground. i will always be ready to listen, be strong, help with decisions and listen to fears. i am quiet, but i am strong. 

“If it takes my whole life, I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it, worth it in the end”

People talk a lot about things happening for a reason. That there is some sort of bigger plan, some purpose that we’re meant to fulfill.

I don’t know how much I’ve subscribed to that idea in the past. I mean…I’m a christian, ok. I believe that God put me on the Earth for a reason, and that there is some sort of purpose to my being on this Earth. But the idea that every single thing happens for a distinct reason because then something else will happen…i just never really have given too much credence to that.

But the more i experience, the more i realize that there is a sequence of events in my life that have led me right to this very moment in time. and if i would have made a different choice at any of the earlier moments in my life, i probably wouldn’t be here. now, i’m not saying that if i wouldn’t have gone to the bar on a random friday night, i wouldn’t still be here. but i feel like the big things, things like musical involvement, going to PSE in high school, taking that psychology class, going to heidelberg, being in choir, touring in Chapel hill, taking gridley’s classes, applying to grad school, going to church with eleni…. all these seemingly random things have ended up coming together in this amazing life i’m living. of course, i don’t know if i might have ended up here even without all of those things happening, but isn’t it mind blowing to think that even the slightest deviation from how your life happens could change the course of your life and the course of your family and friend’s lives, and the course of the lives of people you will never even know.

sometimes its easier to say that you wish something would never have happened. if it had never happened, then this particular hardship or trying time wouldn’t be happening. if it had never happened, then maybe things wouldn’t suck so bad or maybe things would be easier. but the fact of the matter is… the sequence of events that has brought you here has shaped who you are, the person that you will be come and the direction your life will take. regretting doesn’t fix anything, it doesn’t change or solve whatever the problems are.

isn’t it a better use of time to stop regretting and just live the life you’ve been given? to love, fully and strongly? to take whatever time you’ve got and spend it making other people happy and helping them live the life they’re meant to live too?

“It’s so nice to see you. Can we sit and talk for a while? I have searched forever, I can’t imagine anything better.”

wow! it has been quite awhile, and to be honest i’m not sure i even should be taking the time to do this right now…but if i don’t, i know i’ll forget it all so what the heck?

SIOP is the professional conference for our field (I/O psychology) and so the annual meeting was being held in New Orleans this year. Never having gone before, Danny, Jen, Eleni and I (along with lots of other NC State-rs) left Raleigh on Wednesday morning to head to NOLA for the weekend. Little did we know the adventures in store

We got to NO (via Houston, what?!) around 5ish on Wednesday. (P.S. Continental flights over 3 hours give you beef jerky and cheese and crackers as a snack….amazing!!) So we fly in over the swamp, with was pretty sweet, and we grabbed a taxi to our hotel. The cabbie was pretty cool and told us some fun places to go and where everything was. So after we dropped our stuff off at the hotel, we walked down the street for dinner to a place called Mother’s. Most amazing calamari of my life and HUGE po’boys. Good stuff. It was raining a little but we decided to go register for the conference and get our free SIOP bag (woo hoo!) After that, we thought it would be a great idea to venture into the French Quarter, or mostly just down Bourbon Street. What a freakin’ culture shock. It was…outrageous. Bars and strip clubs and crazy crazy ppl as far as you could even see. There were people everywhere!! But the atmosphere was really fun, and so we walked up and down the street and checked it all out. We ended up going back to the hotel and Eleni and I had a little competition, and then we went to the casino that was right beside our hotel. I had never been to one before, and so i wanted to play a slot machine. I ended up winning $12.50! It was fun!! We went back and crashed!!

Thursday morning we had good intentions of getting up and going to the conference…but we slept instead. Oh, except for the part where danny set the alarm to BLARE at 6 am and jen karate-kicked the sheets on the bed…that was pretty funny, if i wouldn’t have been so pissed i got woken up at 6 am….But We went down to the conference around 11 or so and looked around for a bit and went to a session, then Danny, Jen, Eleni and I went to this place called The Pearl for lunch. so cute and so good! then we went back to the conference in the afternoon and ruchi and i tooled around for a bit We ended up all meeting up and going to this place called The Gumbo Shop. It was so cute!! we sat in this little cubby and had bread and crayfish pasta and it was so fun. It was good to hang out with everyone (it was me, chia-lin, amanda, ashley, eleni, will, jen, danny, chris and ruchi- such a good group!!) The we walked back and went to the NC state reception at the GORGEOUS hotel behind our hotel. Everyone was in rare form and we had lots of good laughs (especially with my old pal, Mark- haven’t seen him in forever!!) I was exhausted though, so convinced eleni and ashley to go back. Then jen and danny came back and we sat around and chatted for awhile (eleni and I ate leftover crayfish pasta in bed!!) and slept!

Friday morning we all got up around 745 or so and got ready and Jen, Danny, Eleni, Ashley, Ruchi, Chris and I all headed out to Cafe du Monde for beignets and coffee. SO GOOD!! the beignets were like…funnel cakes a little bit, and covered in powdered sugar. we saw all these little kids on field trips from school, and they were freaking adorable!!! and we sat outside and enjoyed the morning. then on the way back to the conference we ended up walking by the Mississippi River- SO COOL!! it was huge, and there was a big paddle boat docked right on the side. It was awesome! then we walked back and ruch and i went to a seminar then gave up and went and sat in the lobby. after a bit, chris joined us and then jen came and we decided to take a ride on the trolley cars. they were so cute, and so we went to the garden district. it was a pretty and old part of town, and we stopped to have lunch at a cafe then went back to catch a trolley back. as we were waiting for the trolly, we see this HUGE guy leaning on a trash can. frankly, we didn’t think too much about it and were just talking among ourselves when we heard the loudest groan i’ve ever heard. we looked over and this guy is now laying on the hood of this car about 50-100 yards away from us. so a guy comes out of the apt. complex by the car and asks if the guy is or something. leaves and brings out this woman, who proceeds to take care of this guy. a trolley ended up coming right then so we missed whatever happened after that. but the trolley was PACKED, and the driver was….optimistic. so he kept stopping at every single stop and trying to pack more and more people in. i was standing and holding a loop, but practically sitting on this guy’s lap and every time the trolley stopped or started or turned i nearly took another person out. it was out of control. we went back to the conference, but ruchi and i were pretty much falling asleep, so we said screw it and went back to the hotel to chill.

we were going to go on a ghost tour friday night but decided that it cost too much, so our big group (Danny, Ashley, Ruchi, Chris, Eleni, Jen, Amanda, Chia-Lin and I) went out to grab dinner. Chia-Lin had heard about this place called Oceana so we decided to check it out. If you’ve been skimming the rest of this, here is where life got interesting…. so its like….8 on a Friday and there were 9 of us, so we knew there’d be a wait. There was, so finally we decided we’d split up. So they finally seat us split up, we order drinks and then mention we’d need separate checks. they told us they couldn’t do that, and so of course there is much discussion and pissed-off-ness about that. Some of our group ended up leaving and the rest of us were debating doing the same when the food came out. We ended up convincing them to split the bill and ate our food. Right at we were waiting to leave, I looked over and there was a HUGE RAT running down this tree (we were in an outdoor courtyard kind of thing). It was AWFUL!  it ran right into the restaurant!! i couldn’t even like..think straight. it was DISGUSTING. blehhh!!

We ended up leaving and hung out on Bourbon Street for awhile, then went back to the hotel. We went to bed around 1 and then woke up Saturday morning @ 5 am to get to the airport for our flight at 7:45. We got through security, got breakfast and were all ready to board when they told us our flight was delayed indefinitely because of some hydraulic failure. so our flight was supposed to go from NO to Houston to Raleigh and we’d get back here around 2. Well instead, Jen bought her own ticket back and stayed in NO till it left, but Eleni, Danny and I met a new friend Rachel and the airlines had us take a cab to Baton Rouge (an HOUR away) and catch a different flight to Houston. This cabbie was crazy!! We thought he was a real straight-laced kinda guy, and so he’s telling us about New Orleans and how he was born and raised thre, all about katrina and stuff. Well then, all of a sudden he tells us how he’s going to stop driving soon to “open a tittie bar” and then proceeds to tell us how is daughter (who is 21) is all excited to go on the balcony there. We still couldn’t figure out if he meant to work or just to show her boobs and throw beads….lets just say it was weird!! Anyway, we got to Houston and took a flight to Raleigh and ended up getting back here around 7:30. Such a CRAZY CRAZY day.

Anyway. It was a fun trip with lots of funny pictures and memories. NO is a really cool city, sooo glad we went!! Such fun!!! But its so good to be home again!

life is crazy. busy. trying to finish up my thesis to propose this semester and keep on top of reading and other research. i’m ready ready ready for summer!!

not too much to say right now.
maybe soon…

“And I think to myself
It’s a beautiful night
And I know everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes now I know
It’ll be alright”

Crazy is a great word.
It can be used in so many ways.
Crazy can be legitimate certifiable-ness….like mental disability crazy.
Crazy can mean you like something a whole lot….like I’m crazy in love with you.
Crazy can be feeling out of control….like My life is crazy busy right now.
Crazy can be bizarre…like Look at that crazy girl with her crazy clothes.
Crazy can be something really foolish…like He’s got some really crazy ideas.

I think each of us fits the bill for one (or more) of these crazies at different times. Like today, my life was crazy. It was bizarre and slightly out of control. But now….my life is crazy like…. i’m crazy bored, but should be doing work. Or crazy bizarre cuz i’m posting about crazy.

i don’t really know why i’m posting this. its crazy. but the song “crazy” has been in my head all day. and last night my away message said “craaaaazy”…..so apparently this is an appropriate theme in my life.

i apologize if you have read this entire blog.
…you must be crazy.

ps…i spell checked this, and find it crazy that the word “blog” is considered a misspelling when you spellcheck your blog….

“crazy for tryin, i’m crazy for cryin…and i’m crazy for lovin’ you….”